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Tuesday, November 10, 2009
LOVE iS OVER-RATED . LOVE SUCKS AND LOVE KiLLS .
YOU THiNK OF iT LiKE A POiSON . ONCE YOU iNGEST iT , iT WOULD BE SO HARD TO EXPEL iT OUT .
A LOT OF PROCESS REQUiRES WHEN YOU FALL iN LOVE .
YOU HAVE TO SACRiFiCE FOR A LOT OF THiNGS , CHANGE YOUR LiFESTYLE FOR THE PERSON YOU'VE CHOSEN , YOU CHANGE YOURSELF TO PROVE TO THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE WORTH LOViNG AND SOMETiMES YOU iSOLATE YOUSELF TO THE PERSON YOU LOVE . LOVE iS "LiFE" iN THE TRUE SENSE OF iTS MEANiNG . AND WHY WRiTE NOW? i REALLY DON'T NOW . BUT WHAT i DO REALLY KNOW RiGHT NOW iS : "i'M ON CRiSiS . S.O.S . ANYONE?"
MY LOVE LiFE HAS BEEN VERY OPEN TO A FEW NUMBER OF PEOPLE i TRUST . MOST OF THEM LiSTENED AND HAVE SYMPATHiZED WiTH ME ON MY SORROWS AND DiLEMMAS . FRiENDS COME AND GO iN THiS JOURNEY AND i'M GLAD TO HAVE THEM . BUT MOST OF THE TiME , i DON'T TALK ABOUT iT , i DON'T WANT THEM TO WORRY , AND i WANT TO KEEP THE MATTER PRiVATE . (SUPPRESSiON HAPPENS MOST OF THE TiME.)
iT HAS BEEN 15 MONTHS TO DATE THAT YOU AND i HAVE BEEN TOGETHER (OR MAYBE NOT). BUT WHERE ARE YOU RiGHT NOW ? i DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU ARE RiGHT NOW WHEN JUST LAST NiGHT WE FOUGHT ABOUT ON SOMETHiNG SO STUPiD THAT i WOKE UP THiS WAY TODAY . MiSERABLE . LONELY . AND i FEEL LiKE i'M iN BLACK HOLE .
i ALWAYS TRiED TO BE STRONG WHEN i KNEW YOU WERE WEAK . i TRiED MY BEST TO KEEP YOU SAFE AND PROTECTED WHEN THE WORLD HAS ALL ODDS ON YOU . BUT WHERE ARE YOU NOW? YOU KNOW i NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU , AND i ALWAYS TRUSTED THAT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR WAY BETTER EVEN iF i WAS NOT THE FRONTLiNER .
THE NUMBER 09 . iS iT STiLL EXiSTiNG ? i'M NOT BiTTER BUT i KNOW iT WELL THAT WHAT i FEEL RiGHT NOW iS NOT LOVE . DUMPED ? MAYBE . BUT i REALLY DON'T KNOW . YOU JUST LEFT . AND THE LAST THiNG YOU TOLD ME WAS " i HATE YOU FOR NOT BEiNG THERE FOR ME AND i HATE MYSELF FOR EXPECTiNG TOO MUCH ON YOU" . i NEVER LEFT YOU . i JUST DiDN'T RECEiVE YOUR MESSAGE ON TiME WHEN YOU WANTED ME TO CALL YOU . YOU COULD HAVE JUST WORKED OUT ON YOUR TEMPER AND PATiENCE LiKE i ALWAYS DO WHEN YOU BECAME SO STUBBORN . YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF TROUBLE THERE LATELY AND i MADE WAYS TO MAKE THiS EASiER . AND ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TO SAY GOODBYE .
LONG DiSTANCE RELATiONSHiPS : HOW CAN YOU WORK THiS OUT?
i HAVE ALWAYS BELiEVED THAT THiS KiND OF RELATiONSHiP WiLL WORK AS LONG AS BOTH PARTiES WiLL DO ANYTHiNG AND EVERYTHiNG FOR iT TO WORK . iN THOSE TiMES THAT i WANTED YOU SO CLOSE , i FELT YOU WERE THERE . iN THOSE TiMES WHEN i WAS BREAKiNG DOWN , i KNEW YOU WERE THERE . i KNOW i ALSO DiD THE SAME . AND i'VE DONE MY PART .
i NEVER HAD ANY iNTENTiONS TO HURT YOU BACK WHEN YOU GOT ME SO BROKEN . i CRiED A LOT OF TiMES BECAUSE OF YOU , AND WHAT WAS SO iRONiC ABOUT THAT ? YOU CAN MAKE ME CRY SO HARD BUT iT'S ONLY YOU WHO CAN MAKE ME STOP FROM CRYiNG . YOU WERE LiKE MY LOLLiPOP TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER . AND FOR ALL i KNOW , i DiD THE SAME . BUT BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME i GOT YOU SO HURT , WHAT i DiD BEST FOR YOU HAS BEEN CONCEALED . NOW TELL ME HOW WiLL THiS WORK ?
i KNEW WE WERE BOTH iMMATURE ON A LOT OF THiNGS , BUT i HAVE PRiNCiPLES WHiCH ARE WAY TOO DiFFERENT FROM YOURS , BUT STiLL i TRiED TO WORK ON iT , TO PLEASE YOU , TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND THiS iS WHAT i GET .
*GEEZH . MOMMY'S SLEEPiNG BY MY SiDE AND i DON'T HER SEEiNG ME CRY RiGHT NOW .*
HOW COULD YOU EVEN HURT YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU HAVE HURT ME ? i ALWAYS REMiNDED YOU THAT iF YOU DiD SOMETHiNG WRONG , JUST SAY SORRY AND MEAN iT . YOU DON'T HAVE TO RESOLVE YOURSELF iN DOiNG STUPiD THiNGS . AND FOR YOUR iNFORMATiON , iT DOESN'T PLEASE ME . MY HEART BREAKS MORE WHEN YOU HURT YOURSELF .
i KNOW i HAVE BEEN SELFiSH BUT i'M ALSO SURE THAT i'VE SHARED MY LiFE WiTH YOU iN A VERY SPECiAL WAY THAT i CAN EVEN iF WE'RE SO MiLES APART . i'VE NEVER ENTERTAiNED ANYONE WHiLE YOU'RE AWAY BECAUSE i NEVER WANTED TO HURT YOU AND i NEVER WANTED TO BREAK THE TRUST THAT YOU GiVE TO ME . i KNEW iN MY HEART , i TOOK CARE OF YOU THE WAY THAT i KNOW YOU SHOULD BE TAKEN CARED OF . WHEN YOU CRiED , i WAS THERE . WHEN YOU'RE MAD i WAS THERE . iN ALL UPS AND DOWNS , i WAS THERE FOR YOU AND i NEVER LEFT EVEN iF YOU PUSH ME AWAY , AND EVEN iF YOU SAY "GOODBYE."
i'VBE BEEN WAiTiNG AND HOLDiNG ON TO YOU . BUT RiGHT NOW ? i CAN'T EVEN FiND MYSELF . i CAN'T EVEN TELL WHO i AM WiTHOUT YOU . AND AGAiN i QUOTE , "LOVE SUCKS . LOVE KiLLS ."
DON'T ASK ME WHY i END UP LiKE THiS . FOR ALL i KNOW , i'VE DONE MY PART .
LOViNG YOU iN MY OWN WAY BECAME MY LiFE . BUT WHAT WiLL HAPPEN NOW ? i DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU ARE , WHAT YOU DO AND WHAT YOU'RE UP TO .
YOU BROKE YOUR PROMiSES . i HELD CLOSE TO MiNE .
HAPPY 15 MONTHS TO US HEART .
YOU GOT ME SHATTERED .
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
First things, first.
I woke up at the wrong side of the bed. Yeah. I'm not a very morning person by the way, but I am not a sleeper either. I get up when I want to, and I sleep when I feel the need of doing it.
Going back, yeah I woke up at the wrong side of the bed, but I had a smile on my face when I got my phone and a text message from "him." He said he was on line, so I immediately got up. Yeah I got excited knowing that I can talk to him or something but then, when I looked around my stuff, my lap top wasn't there (only to find out that my sister was using it). And so I talked to my sister, and I told her that I should go on line. But to avoid petty arguments, I gave in but I asked her if I can just go on line even for a few minutes and then I'll just take the lap top when she's done.
My sister granted my little request and she gave way for a while for me to go on line. I logged in to my yahoo messenger, and to find out that he was still on line. Yeah, he was on line, but to my surprise, he was using his other yahoo messenger account (the account that I wasn't really expecting him to use anymore because few days ago he told me that he's going to change his account, not to mention, it's the account that his ex-girlfriend did) . Honestly, when I saw him using that account, I felt a little sharp feeling that stung my heart.
I gave him a buzz just like the other days. I was quite expecting him to ask me first like "how are you?" or "were you able to sleep well?" or stuffs like that. Or maybe it was much better if he told me that he misses me. Since last night, I was trying to contact him through his roaming number, but I only received voice prompts that his phone is out of reach. Earlier yesterday he promised me that he's going to make it up with me. So I per se expected a little more from him.
Well, yeah, talking about insensitivity, the first thing he asked me was a question that at some point got me so pissed. He was like "Heart, what was the site of _______?" The hell do I care with that stupid site anyways. He added, "I needed to talk to ______." Can I name names here to make this any worse? *heck* Then I was like, "You know what, I never wanted you to talk to those people anymore. I've been reading a lot of comments and I know what that girl has been talking shit against me." Actually, this girl that he wanted to talk to is the best friend of his ex-girlfriend. Do I sound bitter? I know I'm not and I know my place, but the hell. Do I need to say more?
Yeah I kept nagging about my points in my messenger. Hey, I just can't help it. I needed to burst things out. Someone once told me that I don't have to take my pain alone, and that I would have to share it with him. And yeah that's what I did. I tried to talk to him in my modest way even if he knew I was flaring up a bit.
I mentioned my points, from point number one to point number four. I thought he got me understood. I've told him so many things of why I was acting that way. But then? What did I got? "Okay, hey heart. Be right back. I'll be out for a while." See? At some point, I got humiliated. But then I can't do anything about it. I can't nag around and pour out my inner emotions knowing that he's out.
So to cope up, I just browsed around the internet to find something to keep me away from stress. I opened my facebook account, played games, answer silly questionnaires. Can facebook give us other than that?
In the afternoon, my mom and I went to the city to buy some stuffs. My youngest sister will be celebrating her 18th birthday next month so mom and I needed to look for stuffs that we needed for the souvenirs and the invitations. My feet got tired though. I drove mom around and we walked long distances around the city.
After a tiring walk around the city, mom and I went home and we both arrived our crib feeling very exhausted. I walked up to my room and I saw my sisters on my bed. My sister is using the lap top again but I didn't mind. She told me that "he" was on line. So I told my sister that I just first have to go down and munch a little and that I'll be on line in a while.
I ate a burger that mom and I bought over the drive thru section. With the heat outside and the crowded streets, who wouldn't get hungry? *lol* Then I craved for ice cold Coca-cola. However, I felt it wasted because I had the drink after I have already finished my burger. Talking about timing, right?
I went back to my room, took hold of the lap top then as usual, opened all my active accounts. I found him on line in facebook so I sent him a private message there through the chat features. I was like, well honestly, still pissed but I really tried to handle myself to prevent another petty argument. I was so frustrated because when I told him that I was still pissed, it's as if he didn't mind. Then he just cut loose and he never replied back. I felt like I was already beginning to flare up again, and that I needed to burst out, but who's going to listen to me? None.
I just let the feeling pass and sweep through. What else can I do? He left me hanging twice this day. So I turned on the television and I continued browsing around my accounts. I thought of bursting out and write a blog (like what I am doing right now). Well, writing has always been my passion and refuge and this is my way of coping.
Few minutes later, I received a text message from his roaming number telling me he lost his internet connection. I was still pissed at that time, but then, I just can't help it. He said he was sorry and that he really wanted to make it up with me. And so I told him, "You always have the chances to make it up with me, and I think you really should." For the past few days, I just felt that we were not as close as the way we were used to. Time has changed and we both know that he's so far away right now. But distance has never been a barrier for us though, and through that, he would always make me believe that everything will be fine if we'll both talk about our issues. Everyday we really try our best to make things right for our relationship to work. In a few more days, we will be celebrating our first year anniversary and at some point, I am still in disbelief that we've come this far. Cheers to the both of us!
I've been missing him day and night, in every minute, and in every part of the day. It just feels so different if I don't have any communication with him. I just can't do things on my own when I can't get in touch with him.
He admitted that partly, he was insensitive. Yeah, not the exact words but he knows my sentiments. I told him that he should not just decode me through the outside but he also needs to decipher my inner self. I told him that I don't have to tell him what was wrong, and that all he needed to do is to read me between the lines. Although sometimes I am hard to understand, I'm very confident that he can tame me. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself.
What I love most about him is that, it's most of the time he can tell that I am not okay. It was never surprising to me that he will always make ways for me to feel better. His sweetness and charms will always capture me in my distress and bring me back to calmer grounds. And yes, even in the middle of my chaos, him by just being there for me, all just ends well. How the hell does he do that? That I can't really answer but I'm very glad he can do things that way.
Right now, after a few or many text messages, I believe I feel better . Indeed, he's making ways to make me smile, and yes, he never failed me on that. I'm waiting for his call and I just hope we can talk about a lot of things that are happening, just like how we used to. It's been a while since I haven't seen him , nor hear his voice. And for now, I believe, he is what I need for me to feel much better.
See how love can turn me upside down?
:D
Monday, August 3, 2009
What's happening? I thought we were good. I thought we were fine from the last time that we talked. Is there something wrong? Why do I feel I'm being left out? :(
Yeah I did screw up so many times lately, and I knew it was hard and I just made things harder. Yeah I am dumb and all, but I guess what came missing was that "I needed to know things." I got you mad, and I am so sorry for that. Everything was an honest mistake, and I should have known. :|
So what is happening right now? Shouldn't I rejoice because in just few days from today we will be celebrating our first year anniversary? :( But how come I feel I lost track of it? Or am I just being paranoid again? You're giving me reasons to be one! :(( I can't find you, and I am so damn missing you right now T.T
Tears fall and thoughts sweep away :(
Hit me back please? :'(
